Groucho Marx Quotes

American - Comedian October 2, 1890 - August 19, 1977

My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something.

You Something Days Because Actually Favourite Hath Poem September Starts Tells Thirty

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

Best Man Pet Dog Dark Best Friend Book Friend Inside Outside Read Too

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

Medical Hospital Bed Taxi Meter Parked Running

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

Funny Me Club Join Any Member Refuse Would

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

Life You Secret Fake Honesty Dealing Fair Got Made The Secret Of

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

Me People Care Like Accepts Belong Club don't Care Members

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.

Moment Laughter Down Book Intend Laid Picked Reading Someday Until Up Your

I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.

Like Play Up Curtain Then Adverse Adverse Conditions Conditions Saw

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

Funny Someone Understand Child Fetch Five Send Would

Top 10
Groucho Marx
Quotes

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.

Evening Wonderful Had Perfectly

There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook.

You Man Way Know Ask Crook Find He Him Honest Out Says Yes One-Way

Humor is reason gone mad.

Humor Mad Reason Gone

Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does.

Politics Marriage Strange Make Does Bedfellows

Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.

Poor Judge Anatomy Whoever Named

I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.

You Mind Beat Head Club Join Over

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

Intelligence Military Contradiction Military Intelligence Terms

Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.

Me You Time Next Next Time Remind See Talk I See

I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.

Good Weather Hate Raining Leaving Because London Too

I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30.

America Intellectual Television Going Educate Every Minutes Monday Newspapers Read Started Stuff 30 Minutes

The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution - this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.

You Like Others Principles Well Them Those

She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.

Beauty Father Looks He Got Her Plastic Plastic Surgeon She Surgeon

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

Man Woman Only Old He Feels

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

Smoke Woman Always Pleasure Occasional

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.

Money Horse Like Dead Alimony Buying Dead Horse Hay

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

Man Wife Woman Behind Successful Man Every Her His Successful

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

Dead He Watch Either Stopped

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Face Never Your Never Forget Case Exception Forget Glad Make

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Judge Wedding Jury Should Married Asked

Women should be obscene and not heard.

Women Should Heard Obscene

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

Funny Evening Wonderful Had Perfectly

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

Age Born Must I Was Born Early Confess Early Age Very Very Early Age

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!

Me Look Never Horse Another Marry

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.

Morning Never Elephant Know Got He How One Morning Pajamas Shot

Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.

Me Communication Saying Quote

Room service? Send up a larger room.

Service Room Up Send Larger Room Service

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

Eyes Me You Believe Going Own Who Your

It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.

Relationship City Unhappy Relatives Kansas Kansas City Necessary Order

I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.

Time Sex Remember First Time First Had Kept I Remember

A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

Path Black Animal Your Cat Crossing Going Somewhere

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

Funny Women Who See He Anyone Lot Missing Says Through

Go, and never darken my towels again.

Go Never Again Towels

My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one.

Mother Children Loved Anything Been Given Had She Would

All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.

Politics People Born Democrats Alike All People Except Republicans Republicans And Democrats

I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

Poverty Way Nothing Up Extreme Extreme Poverty State Worked

I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.

Doctor Medical Feeling Golf Course Golf Course Immediately Nearest Need Ring Very Well

Related Authors

Steven Wright
Quotes

George Carlin
Quotes

Robin Williams
Quotes

Mitch Hedberg
Quotes

W. C. Fields
Quotes

Rodney Dangerfield
Quotes

Fred Willard
Quotes

Milton Berle
Quotes

29Quotes © 2020

About Us

A site designed to inspire you to grow, achieve success, stay well, and live an abundant life.

Quote of the Day