Woody Allen Quotes

American - Director December 1, 1935

I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.

Horse Dead Call Him Beating Dead Horse Sadistic Would Would-Be

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Money Better Poverty Only Financial Reasons Than

Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.

Time Rest Fun Most Any Much

The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small.

Food Here Small Terrible Portions Too

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

Life Funny Regret I Am Someone Am Else

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

Parents Action Room Out Kidnapped Snapped

As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

Nature God Tree Only Bark Figure Hard How Poet Said Because Get Make Out

Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.

God Only Try Finding Plumber Sunday

When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back.

Go Feel Back Guilty Base Played Second Softball Steal

Seventy percent of success in life is showing up.

Life Success Up Showing Up Percent Seventy Showing

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.

Thankful I Am Laughter Nose Am Except Milk Out

I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.

Food Will Sick Dead Eat Wounded Oysters Want

Top 10
Woody Allen
Quotes

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.

Wife Home Marriage Bath Basically Boats Come Immature She Sink

If my films don't show a profit, I know I'm doing something right.

Doing Know Movies Right Films Profit Show Something

Tradition is the illusion of permanance.

Illusion Tradition

Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?

Say Why Days Our Numbered

If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.

You Failure Doing Anything Again Failing Innovative Now Sign Very Every

I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.

War Peace Russia Minutes Read Course Involves Took Twenty

It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.

Die Want Just Afraid Happens

I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.

Car Bad Being Two Guys Once Over Pushed Reflexes Run

To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.

God You Atheist Opposition Loyal

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

You Fine Happen Dressed Eternal Nothingness

He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian.

Suicide Next He Tried Armenian Commit Depressed

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

Life Funny Change Believe After Although Am Bringing Underwear I Am

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

Funny Chess Team Height Make Failed Because

I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.

Good Practice My Own Own Lot Lover Because

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

Me Gold Proud Grandfather Deathbed Pocket Sold Very Watch His

In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.

Wife Boss Decision House Maker Just

Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.

Life Art Bad Television Imitates Imitate

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down .

Death Down Done Things Easily Few Few Things Lying Plus Side

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

Life Death You Evening Ever Insurance Salesman Spent Worse Than Things

Who bothers to cook TV dinners? I suck them frozen.

Who Suck Them Frozen Bothers Cook Dinners TV

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

Nothing Illusion Everything What If Carpet Case Definitely Exists Overpaid

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

People Universe Way Your Around Astounded Chinatown Enough Find Hard Know Want Who

My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.

Night Getting Luck Worse Instance Last Last Night Mugged Quaker

Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.

Down Done Things Dying Easily Few Few Things Lying

His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.

Education More Moral Than Bankruptcy Developed Lack His

I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.

Wife Place Pedestal

If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.

God You Laugh Your Want Him Plans Tell About Make

It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

Death Experience Impossible Carry Objectively Still Tune

Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.

Life Miserable Horrible Divided

Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.

Life Loneliness Suffering Over Soon Full Misery Much Too

Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.

America Crime Little Office Billion Billion Dollars Dollars Forty Organized Over Supplies Takes Very Year

Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness.

Will Oneness Students Move Achieving Move On

The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.

Together Sleep Lion Lie Calf Down Much Shall Get

I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.

Me Think Parents Live Bear Crib Liked Put Teddy

Man consists of two parts, his mind and his body, only the body has more fun.

Man Mind Body Only Consists Fun Parts Two His More

I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.

Funny Humor Think Choice Anyone Being Being Funny First I Think

In Beverly Hills... they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.

Garbage Make Television Away Beverly Beverly Hills Hills Shows Television Shows Throw

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